


Remain

by tarotsunset



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, tokyo ghoul :re
Genre: 3am thoughts, Comfort No Hurt, Feelings, Feels, Fluff, Heartwarming, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, M/M, No Sex, No Smut, Renji's thoughts on how their relationship evolved and functions, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, and what he believes it consists of, so excuse me if it's horrible, vague smut mention, yomouta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 11:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11622993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarotsunset/pseuds/tarotsunset
Summary: Over time, Renji had grown fond of the orbit they were in, slowly circling around the other, even when their lives had nothing to do with the other, separate, yet inseparable, they remained. It was simple and balanced, yet always left Renji wanting just a little more, enough for him to circle around and return again. --- Renji's laying awake, thinking 3am thoughts and reviewing his relationship to Uta and how they slowly became the way they are now, Unable to live with the other, and yet, Unable to live without.





	Remain

**Author's Note:**

> So I tried my hand at feels and fluff / Comfort-no-hurt, and the mood ended up being really tranquil and calm. And yes, I am trying to make it up for all the angst in "Fade" a little bit... Does not occur in the same universe or anything, however.
> 
> Aaaalsoooo.... I started writing this at midnight, wrote 3hrs straight and now it's almost 4am when I finally got to posting it. Apologies if the quality is... hm, absolutely horrific. I needed to get the idea into a fic.

# Remain

When they first met, he’d hated him with all his might. Who was this blonde little brat thinking he was, telling Renji what he could and couldn’t do, calling him weird names- everything about him was rather despicable, from the rims of those ugly round glasses to the soles of his stupid boots.

In his mind, Renji made many insults towards Uta’s sense of fashion among other things, but he wasn’t very good at delivering those aloud, so he remained silent, simply glaring at Uta with his irritated gaze until he was fed up and exploded. Uta always knew just how to push his buttons, every single one of them at the same time. Even then, Renji had vaguely realized he was wrapped around Uta’s little finger and that everything he did or said, was something Uta had predicted coming. He was always a step ahead.

Back then it had never mattered to him because- so what? If Uta tried to use him or did something stupid, like irked him off until the insults in his head were too loud for Renji to hear anything else, he would always fight him and put him back to the place he belonged, even at the cost of getting beat up pretty badly himself. 

Yes… In the beginning, Uta and he had fought violently, mercilessly, like wild animals. Nails digging into flesh, kicks and punches delivered to every vulnerable spot, even teeth tearing flesh as two forms wrestled each other into submission, twisting and turning to get the better of the other, sparking kagune spikes and ruthless talons tearing apart tendons, flesh and bone alike.

They had been so cruel.

And never had it ended any other way than both being too beat up to continue fighting or both retaliating and pulling back before both would die. They were never anything but matched, never uneven, as if in a perfect balance, an undisturbed harmony keeping them in line.

He guessed that perhaps due to his own simplicity, his honest and straightforward mindset and organized thinking was why he would never understand why things had changed- Renji Yomo didn’t mind admitting that he never had, did not, and never would understand Uta’s mind- a swirling chaos that kept escaping Renji just when he thought he had an idea of what was going on inside. Uta was shrouded in mystery, veiled in thin, silky fabrics that sparkled like stars yet dimmed the whole room, so unlike anyone Renji had ever encountered.

And much like most things passing through his head, he had never dared to say aloud that he thought Uta was intriguing- complicated and impossible to read, like a maze with no end, or a book with no words- and yet so clear and see-through that Renji likened him to deep waters: deceivingly clear, like a bright blue lie that lured you in to where no daylight nor direction existed.

 

All he knew that the change had started because of Uta. There had been a day when he’d greeted him and they hadn’t fought afterwards at some point, and slowly they had grown to tolerate the other, better understanding their differences that split their worlds apart and yet tied them together in a way he didn’t understand. Their clashing against each other slowly turned into clashing with the world and neither really noticed how or when it happened- because when before the two had fought, they had fought as enemies against each other, and now, they fought as friends, against the world that tried to limit their freedom. Youth passing by, they had never become strangers after that. Even if it was just Renji stopping by for a visit or Uta ordering a coffee and telling Renji to smile more to the customers, Renji knew they were somehow tied together, even when they barely saw each other- almost like an orbit, like two celestials passing through the skies, barely brushing against each other, barely meeting. 

Over time, Renji had grown fond of the orbit they were in, slowly circling around the other, even when their lives had nothing to do with the other, separate, yet inseparable, they remained. It was simple and balanced, yet always left Renji wanting just a little more, enough for him to circle around and return again. He couldn’t tell what kind of a twisted sentimentality was behind this sort of quiet appreciation for Uta that he had, but he knew he wasn’t about to let go of it.

And it had been disturbed oh-so-many times, the outside world had poked and prodded at their little bubble, trying to break it, trying to snap the cords intertwining their lives and yet pulling them apart. Renji still remembered the first time he had seriously doubted Uta clearly- when he talked about the clowns, possibly having joined them back then already. It wasn’t that Renji thought Uta would be too weak for a group that had reaped such a name for itself, and caused so much chaos that the name “Pierrot” would always cause a little shiver to run up any senior ghoul investigator’s spine- no, it was more like a certain feeling of disdain that Renji couldn’t put his finger on, yet he knew it fitted Uta perfectly, because he was the splitting image of a person who thought like the clowns did- chaotic, always moving forwards in some way, unpredictable and so deceitful in his clarity and philosophical childishness.

Uta, he wasn’t a sadist when it came to physical pain, no. It was the emotional and the mental distress that intrigued him and caused him to be so manipulative, cunning and fraudulent, it seemed, and Renji couldn’t find the strength to tell Uta to change, because then he, too, would have to change, and so would the nature of their relationship. Perhaps selfishly so, Renji wished to remain like this forever, with his eyes half-open, listening to Uta’s breathing next to him, no disturbance rippling their world with the quiet night enveloping them two. 

 

What always mattered the most was the “Right Now” of things when it came to the two of them. Right now, they were peaceful, right now, it was silent and comfortable. The right now of things brought Renji such a reassuring feeling of tranquility that Renji was struck silent- not that he wasn’t a quiet man either way, but still. Like this, the moments they spent together felt like a lover’s caress that healed and soothed Renji, his wounds, the scars he had and would eventually always bear with him, deep in his heart, where only this kind of understanding, quiet appreciation would reach. It didn’t matter that in mere hours their ways might split and they would be doing things unforgivable according to the morals of the other, and it didn’t matter that such had happened in the past. It was never about morals, not right or wrong, not good or bad. Everything simply was, and that was how Renji wanted it to remain.

There was no need for him to speak these feelings for Uta, there never had been, because Renji had a pretty reliable feeling that Uta already knew- being the crafty, sly kind of person that he was, Uta never missed any cues. If he was awake now, he was probably listening to Renji’s heart beating in a calm rhythm, accepting their reality and forgetting tomorrow and yesterday. Renji didn’t have to understand Uta’s mind in order to understand his feelings, wishes, needs, heart or body. And that’s what kept them glued together so tight- Renji occasionally indulged in the theory that it was possible Uta did not fully understand his simple, straightforward and honest mind just as much as Renji didn’t understand the swirling mess inside the other’s head. Perhaps they didn’t need to read thoughts to gravitate towards one another like magnets.

Thoughts lazily passing through his head, Renji shifted closer to hold on to the other, hoping for “now” to never end. He preferred it when time barely passed, because everything was just too sweet and good when they held on to each other, the soft covers draped across their bodies, soothing and hushing them to silence. These moments felt like little silver pieces of infinity, and Renji loved each one equally.

Love, was not a word they used to describe their sentimentality for the other, knowing that even though what they had was so much like love in so many ways, it wasn’t Love at all. At the same time it was and wasn’t, and much like most things in this strange, strange bond they shared, it didn’t matter WHAT it was. The whys and hows and whats never did. There was no point in questioning their shared bond, a relationship- whatever it should be called, because it had always been clear from the start that they were never going to comprehend it properly. All Renji had to know that his heart couldn’t bear to be away from Uta, and yet always shifted away when they got too close. 

 

Perhaps Renji was in love, but he couldn’t associate what he imagined the meaning of the word “love” to what he felt like when he was with Uta. Certainly, his breath was stolen away when they made love and yes, he was deeply attached to the sleepy form next to him, but he couldn’t imagine living a life meant for true lovers with him- candlelit dinners and overly sweet little kisses were so far from how they were that it felt almost laughable to think about. There was no way in hell Renji could ever imagine them doing anything inherently _romantic_ , like going on a date, but Renji knew they didn’t need that to be connected, almost like two sides of the same coin, two minds and one soul. They were, truly, like day and night, like sun and moon. Uta, who was so idealistic, nonsensical and living in his own spheres, and Renji, who was pragmatic, down to earth and simple.

Perhaps, in some life, they had been just one being, Renji didn’t know what- he wasn’t really religious, but he could see them as one being, ethereal and untouchable like Uta and yet so concrete and reliable like Renji, perhaps a spirit traversing the skies, shimmering veils and thin fabrics of its cape slowly sliding across the stars, passing through nebulae like a ghost- somewhere, where time and space had no meaning, bathing in light and shrouded in darkness. And Renji couldn’t help but wonder, what kind of carnage was enough to tear apart such a lonely yet beautiful being such as that?

“You’re crying” a voice whispered from right next to him, and right after, slender fingers ran up his neck, feeling their path gently, and cupped his cheek to wipe away a tears that had formed. “see?”

“Yeah”, Renji breathed out, his own hand curling around the one cupping his cheek, thumb stroking soft circles against the back of Uta’s hand, tracing the tattoos he couldn’t really see in the darkness. “I know.”

“I’m here with you right now.” Uta stated with a soothing tone in his voice, like a cooling, healing balm that coated Renji’s wounds and filled the gap between them, even if just for now.

“That’s what matters” Renji replied, shifting them both in order to feel Uta’s body against his, to remind himself of how smooth the other’s skin felt against his. Uta simply rested his head against Renji’s chest, his ink-black strands of hair tickling Renji’s face, softly smelling like Ylang-Ylang and shampoo. “Let’s stay like this.” He added, and felt Uta hum in agreement.

And for a long time they remained in that position, so reassuring and comforting that the border between asleep and awake had become unclear, making Renji fall into a deep haze, still feeling Uta against him but slowly drifting away from all worries, all thoughts, all of the trivial little details of life, when he heard Uta speak again, perhaps thinking Renji was asleep already.

“Let’s remain like this… forever”  
And a little moment after that,  
“I want to stay with you.”

And thus, Renji Yomo fell asleep with a soft smile on his face and a warmth in his heart, knowing, that even the deepest waters were moved by the moon, these little silver speckles on his sky also reflecting on Uta’s heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm bad at endings, huh... Anyways I thank Dean for motivating me to write a kind of "opposite-mood" fic to Fade, (Switching hurt to comfort and sun-themes to moon-themes) even though this would take place in an entirely different universe.


End file.
